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Women in His Presence

by Erica Salazar

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divorce

Remarriage

Often times I wonder what remarriage will look like if it’s in God’s will for me. In a marriage of any type, there is a rhythm that develops over time. It is a muscle memory of how things are done. Not major things, but simple things.

1. What sitting on the couch looked like when watching TV.
2. Morning routines
3. Night time routines
4. How we greeted each other at the end of the day.
5. The way we shopped for groceries.

Sometimes these little things worry me and I wonder will these “muscle memories” pop up because I did them a certain way for so long.

Walking this evening, God gave me a peace about these worries and remarriage. These routines that I’m worried about are like religion.

Religion focuses on tasks and rituals that become muscle memory. The commitment is in the physical action and not in the emotional/spiritual commitment to God’s truths and principles.

I need to realize that if it is God’s will for me to remarry, then it will mimic a relationship with Jesus Christ. That marriage will be able to override these worries because it will not be based on routines or appearances. The commitment will not be seasonal. Instead it will be a relationship that will involve mutual commitment, respect, loyalty, and a growing emotional intimacy that will be God centered.

This model of marriage will reflect what God desires to have with us. A connection that is emotional, intimate, and active.

1 Samuel 16:1
The LORD said to Samuel, “How long will you mourn for Saul, since I have rejected him as king over Israel? Fill your horn with oil and be on your way; I am sending you to Jesse of Bethlehem. I have chosen one of his sons to be king.”

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Answers to Unanswered Prayers

February 20, 2016 marked the first night I spent alone and the beginning of a separation which ultimately led me to file for divorce in early June.

I wrote in my journal, “Is this the end or the beginning for us?”

The few months prior had led me to take this excruciating step that was a result choosing safety over holding on to this broken dream. Finally, I realized that there are certain things in a marriage God does not expect you to endure and that I didn’t need to do it anymore.

The following months were filled with many tears, struggles of feeling an aloneness that was unbearable, emotionally draining, and physically and mentally exhausting.

Learning how to sleep alone with all the lights off was a fear I eventually conquered. Weaning myself from having all lights on, to just a lamp, to just the blinds open, and finally to complete peace in the darkness.

Many times I cried out to God, “Where are you in this? Why aren’t you moving this mountain? If I have had faith all of these years that you could fix this and use all these years of darkness for good, why aren’t you doing it? How could divorce be in your will?”

As the months passed, there wasn’t much proof that things were going to change and neither was the behavior that would determine whether or not returning to the marriage would even be an option. I was becoming afraid that I was going to be forced to file while truly believing it never had to be this way.

What did begin to change was another move by God to draw me nearer than ever before. Training me to trust His voice and the doors he was going to open that would eventually reemphasize a calling, deepen my friendships with my sisters in Christ, reunite me with my family, and move me to a place I could grow.

After the move, he was going to draw me even deeper to a point of complete joy and thankfulness for having this experience. 

In both apartments I have lived in this year, my bedroom has become a prayer chamber. Chart paper is my decor with various titles that document what God shows me in our private time.

One chart paper that stayed empty was the one titled, “What are you showing me through this?” It was empty, however because I thought I had nothing to learn as the “perfect” wife. Ha! God showed me.

When I finally opened my heart and mind this is what he showed me. The list is long. Double Ha!
1. I learned how to be a real prayer warrior and pray with authority mainly for my spouse.
2. I learned that I cannot put my value into my marital status or in how I am treated by my spouse. That becomes idolization.
3. How to have perseverance.
4. How to spell perseverance. ( I always spell it perSERVErance which I also think is a later message)
5. I needed to marry my spouse because everything I went through brought me to Christ and my salvation.
6. I’m the wife my husband needed. Even is this time, my spouse needed to know what AGAPE love looks and sounds like.
7. Resistance training-When the mountain isn’t moving, then God is trying to teach you something. (TD Jakes sermon)
8. Praying for your marriage to work, so you can have your “Dream Come True,” is selfish. I should have been praying for my spouse’s walk with God and his salvation.
9. I had become self righteous and adding guilt and shame instead of just letting God have complete reign. God needed to move me, so I could get my hands and eyes off of trying to fix a relationship that was never really about me and my spouse. It’s always been about his relationship with Jesus Christ.
10. Finally, to show His miracles.

Ezekiel 3:27 NIV

But when I speak to you, I will open your mouth and you shall say to them, ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says.’ Whoever will listen let them listen, and whoever will refuse let them refuse; for they are a rebellious people.

To God Be the Glory

 

 

Not What I Pictured

 

In 2011, I took a similar picture on this porch with my husband.  We were celebrating our first Thanksgiving in our new house.  It was almost a dream come true. It was almost what I had always pictured.  I thought the goal in life was to be happily married, have good jobs, and buy a nice house.  The only thing missing from this picture were the kids we never had. However, beyond the image, what was hidden inside was real life.  A real struggle and spiritual battle that had existed almost since the beginning.  And, why wouldn’t it.  The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Marriage is his #1 target.

So today, Thanksgiving 2016, I take a picture that isn’t…. what I pictured.  What sits behind me is an empty home with various types of memories and a dying dream.   It appears that the enemy is winning and tearing apart what should never be torn apart and Biblically never will.  However, beyond this image, what is hidden inside is real faith.  Faith that I couldn’t have dreamed of having without this trial.  Mainly, because  the forgiveness that is now in my heart  is authentic.  Mainly, because more than ever have I grasped the importance of being a praying wife and cherish my remaining days as my husband’s wife to do just that.  Mainly, because the story of the Prodigal Son that I hated so dearly in the Bible (since I’ve always empathized with the older brother), has now become my favorite because I now have the heart of the father.

This is not what I pictured my future would be, but I also would have never pictured this new level of conviction I have moving forward to stand for God’s truth and truly believe He can conquer all. This isn’t what I had pictured, but I know this picture rests in God’s hands.

To God Be the Glory

Ezekiel 11:19 NIV

I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone an give them a heart of flesh.

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